why is being back always the most difficult part?

i am here, back in berlin, since monday. still feel out of place a little and compensated that with intensive shopping. it feels strange. but the weeks i've spent in jerusalem somehow had a wonderful impact on me. i met great people (sali and shalom to you) and saw things that were strange, beautiful, incredible, breathtaking, horrible and fascinating.

i cannot even recall all of what has happened. first big impression was for sure eh's short hair ;).

next, passing borders through a fence to visit salvatorian sisters in emaos and surely you have heard of dm's and my hilarious performance during the catholic service. i drank so much, skipped the sacrament and went to the loo.

oh and there was a sunrise above jordan. beautiful, really.

the shuk i spent hours strolling on i seriously miss. how can you not with the baker always flirting with you, wonderful snacks and strawberries that scream of being mashed to marmelade. that was actually my first time on the marmelade front and i must say my grandma would have been proud. the sirup was later turned into delicious liqour and troubled me a little whilst saying goodbye to wonderful i.

tel aviv and its beach made the whole nose dilemma start i guess, since that day with w and e at the beach it never left me and was supplemented by a wonderfully reddish shade on my chin caused by intensive snogging. well, i can always blame it on the water and its high concentration of whatever.

hebron. what can i say. it still troubles me. we went there with an organization called breaking the silence which basically are ex-soldiers who did their military service in the territories. this curfew thing that makes whole parts of cities die just for the sake or safety of some settlers who have no other problem than claiming land as their own and fighting arabs that lived there since whenever. it was really hard to see how those palestinian families struggle. in a way i felt a huge guilt and wondered many times whether or not the obvious radicalization of haredi or settler people might not be a result of the shoah. i don't know and probably no one can tell but i felt guilty. it should be on everyone's agenda to do such a visit to the territories. it's sick.

mea shearim. what an out of space feeling you can get here. on our first visit we went as a group of six, dressed modestly, walked seperately women and men and still were sent away after a bunch of little kids started yelling at us. i went back a week later because i seriously wanted to just walk around there, get an impression, maybe understand. it turned out that besides some gloomy eyes nothing and nobody took notice of me and i could walk around a bit. it is irritating to see the living conditions to say the least. i felt so out of place. whenever i met somebody's eyes i looked down as if i was in intruder, which i obviously have been. i wish it was just irritation that meets strangers and not hatred. especially with the little children that is just too sad to even think about. it's such a seemingly closed and 'old-fashioned' world. i really am sorry that i can't speak hebrew. yiddish is fine when i hear it but i really should go on starting to improve my reading skills.

israel is a wonderful place were it not for the steady tension that you can feel whereever you might go. jerusalem with all its different cultures and people is such an inspiring place. i don't know how to describe it properly and if there is even a basis of that thought. but, in a way the (perhaps not even existing) steady danger and tension makes you appreciate things and people and situations more. it was often that i found myself thinking and feeling that whatever i was doing that i did it for the sake of being joyful or happy or appreciative in that particular moment of time. in a word - living. i often felt that i (or the world) could always stop whenever it was not that fulfillment any longer. that is a great thing and clears your thought and awareness. we are spending so much time doing things halfheartedly or without passion, just as an obligation. why that is i can't say but i guess it might just be that this particular feeling is making me feel so depressed for a lot of my time. i can't bring myself to do all the things i do passionately, who can?, but why do i bother, why do i need to bother with crap that earns me a living, people that can kiss my ass, why do i really need to spend time on things and people i feel nothing for? well.

thankfully we also did a trip to the desert, wadi qelt and st. george monastery. the desert so impressed me. i loved every second of being there. and the dead sea! how incredible to be floating on the lowest point on that planet.

i am glad i went to that beautiful place and thankful for the people i met and could spend time with.

from alev to taf:

a - arnon street, what a lovely place to live
b - bethlehem, for the broiler and the little shop
c - christians who cannot stop singing glorification songs that make me feel even less holier
d - doors i could not open. deserts i walked through
e - eating. you can, seriously can, spend much time on eating
f - fucking. dito. :) ah, and falafel.
g - genderbending and haredim. seems not to be the best combination
h - hebron
i - i. why is it always in other countries
j - jerusalem is a city i fell in love with
k - kosher i ate only once at the shabat dinner of a who made a great impression on me
l - leilatov
m - mea shearim. how is life behind that walls i wonder?
n - nights with people, drinks, cigarettes and laughing
o - open is not one store in west-jerusalem on shabat. the east is beautiful, too
p - peyots - i love them, especially red.
r - red. you better not wear. especially with noses and chins.
s - snoods. some are actually looking nice. remember: take of jewish headgear when entering arab bazar or there will be no service for you
t - tel aviv. must go back, only saw the beach. and bars.
u - understanding hebrew is difficult but at least you can pretend understanding because of a seemingly close sound that it has to german
v - ventilators we didn't need. and visa only for more than three months
w - wadi qelt. imagine living there
x - x-rays might have destroyed my films. at least now i saw the prints they're all blurry and smoky
y - you all that made my vacation wonderful
z - zero. coke. and also rien, rien de rien. non, je ne regrette rien.

lehitraoth.